Self-Reproach in Pregnancy

(Savannah's wardrobe! Thanks to her spoiling friends and family)

One of the things most commonly associated with pregnancy, along with cravings, morning sickness, and the growing belly – is the roller coaster of emotions that pregnancy brings.  I was expecting to become more emotional and a little more weepy (both of which have happened), but I have also been surprised by some of the other emotions I have experienced in the past six months. 
I expected to feel overly emotional – crying at commercials, sobbing through birth stories, and tearing up often for no reason (check, check, check!).  I was also prepared to feel a little more irritable and more easily annoyed.  Considering we’ve also thrown a cross-state move into the mix, I’ve done my best to keep my cool.

But there have been other emotions heightened by pregnancy that I wasn’t really expecting.  Things like intense fear and worry, overwhelming gratitude, and perhaps most surprisingly – guilt.
I have found that my pregnancy guilt has come mostly in two forms…
1. Guilt that I was able to get pregnant.
I have shared Our Journey to a Family of 3 on here before, so you already know that it wasn’t a walk in the park for me.  But even so, I can’t help but feel guilty that despite my wait, it wasn't nearly as long as so many other couples. Those who are trying to conceive soon realize that it doesn't really matter how long it has been, the feelings can, relatively, be the same. What does come with time are lessons to be learned and miracles to be seen. Could I just bare my soul to you and share a portion from my journal? I wrote this section the evening before we found out that I was pregnant. 
"Truth be told, my infertility is not about me. Personally. And sometimes, okay, A LOT of the times I'll console myself with a reality check. Dear Janene, You are a good woman. You love your husband and family. Heavenly father knew that you could handle this trial. He CHOSE you! It is hard. You can do hard things. Sometimes when you feel your blood boil and you want to scream at the top of your lungs, "Its NOT FAIR!" Its ok. Because it's not fair. Life is not fair. And that is what makes it all so beautiful! You are right, it would be far easier to have a body that works...ovulating and cyst free! But yours does not. And even though you are learning and growing so much because of it, sometimes the pain feels like it might suffocate you. But your infertility is not about you. It is not an attack of your character. It is not a punishment or something you have done. And it is not because you are incapable of being a great mother to many. You are not broken on accident. Heavenly Father did not skip over you because you were undeserving. You were not forgotten. Instead, he chose you out of the crowd, and precisely changed you to be the person you are. I believe He took you aside, put His arm around you, and with tears streaming down His very own face, knowing it would break your heart, asked if you could carry this burden. He promised you would never be alone. And He would bless you along the way! But, He would need to make you differently. Not to break you. But, to create miracles for your eyes to see. Every day! You were not stripped of the most sacred act of multiplying and replenishing to your hearts content, because you were not worth it to be made whole. You may feel broken...and forgotten... in your divine right of motherhood. But you were made from scratch! Everything you have been given, had been given by God. So, cry until your soul hurts. Because it is hard. But don't ever feel broken."
It can be so easy to forget the emotions that I have felt because of their intensity. I keep re-reading that entry and my heart is pricked in the most personal way as I remember that He was my continual, solid hope. Before pregnancy, I read a story from the Ensign called "Faith and Infertility." It was a tender article and I fell in love with an experience a woman had. She recalls a Sunday School lesson in which a bishopric member shared an important message about faith—one she’s clung to ever since. He said, “When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as the result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren’t healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second is faith-perfecting.” 
Prior to getting pregnant, I shared my struggles with a few close friends, some of whom were struggling with similar issues.  When the time came to share my news, I felt uncomfortable and guilty telling them that my story would soon have a happy ending.  Most everyone I told reacted with nothing but love and support for me and amc.  But just as I had feared, I also felt some people start to pull away. 
I can’t say that I blame them.  I know the bittersweet ache to hear of other’s pregnancies while I was still having 60+ day cycles with no end or solution in sight.  I felt the same way.  But having struggled myself, and knowing how deeply it hurt to learn of each new pregnancy that wasn’t mine, it made me sick with guilt to think I was causing that feeling in others.
I don’t think there is any way to avoid these feelings on either side.  But because getting pregnant was not easy for me, I try very hard to be sensitive to others and not assume anything about anyone’s fertility or plans. I never ask friends with fertility struggles how their treatments are going – when they are ready to talk, they know I am there to either celebrate or cry together.
I feel so incredibly blessed to have been given the opportunity to grow a life inside of me.  And to be honest, I am thankful for the wait and worries that I endured, as it has made me realize that pregnancy truly is a miracle not to be taken for granted.  And for those reasons, I struggle with the other side of guilt…
2. Guilt that my pregnancy is far from perfect.
As someone who's most favorite things in life revolves around fitness, nutrition(--okay, you'd think I'd be a liar if you saw my baking), and health, I have always thought that I would be my most healthy self while pregnant.  I quickly learned that it is one thing to read/talk/learn about pregnancy, and it is an entirely different thing to physically experience it.
The first two weeks after finding out I was pregnant, I tracked my calorie/fat/prtein intake, gobbled down greens and fruits, ran on the elliptical and cycled on my road-bike.
And then the sickness hit, and left me feeling humbled and helpless.  It turns out I was not quite the superhero pregnant woman I thought I would be – instead I was throwing up every few hours, nauseous every waking hour, skipping my vitamins, keeping down around 700 calories a day (half of which being the day's choice of cereal), and exercise involved moving from the bedroom to the bathroom. 
Even now that I am feeling better, I have found that my body is entirely new, and can’t do all the things I had hoped it would do through pregnancy.  I’ve had to readjust my expectations for exercise, and come to terms with the fact that my appetite is much more limited than it used to be.
Even though I know that this is all normal, I still feel guilty.  Guilty for not running/cycling, when I know others have run through their entire pregnancies.  Guilty for not eating salads and greens, when I know how good they are for me and for the baby.  Guilty for not being able to offer my baby the perfect environment, after being so blessed to finally be able to conceive. 
So what does one do with all this guilt?  I am considering it to be one of my first lessons in parenting.  For as much as I wanted my pregnancy to be perfect, it isn’t.  And looking back, it was silly for me to ever think that it would be, as I am by no means perfect myself.
Pregnancy isn’t perfect, and parenting won’t be perfect.  I am going to question my decisions.  I am going to feel like I have failed at times.  I am going to make mistakes.
With all of the additional emotions (that I imagine will) come with parenting, I don’t need to continue to bog myself down with unnecessary guilt.  There is no reason to feel bad that I was able to get pregnant.  Instead, I will continue to simply feel forever grateful for the gift inside of me.  And I’m going to stop worrying about what I should be doing, and focus instead on what feels right.
I wished for so long to be pregnant and now that it’s finally here, I’m going to do my best to relax and enjoy it, ignore the guilt, and cherish the experience.

Photo updates on this diva-in-the making's nursery

(We're refnishing the chocolate crib and changing table to an antique cream. I fell in L.O.V.E. with the gorgeous spindle legs on the crib.)

(Hello...I love you. I bet you would kill to become the star of Savannah's dresser, huh?)

(Hey there, Nasty Brassiness.. Are you reading for a makeover?)

Yours truly, Me

Week 19: My Pregnancy Diary

Get ready for some serious bumpage this week--this little girl has gone through her growth spurt! And you should probably just come to expect to hear me say every single week, "I can't believe how big I am!" But honestly, that's how I feel. I don't know why I keep waking up expecting to be opposite, but I am constantly surprised with how much my belly is growing.

How Big is the Baby?
Baby Savannah has worked her way up to the length of a large mango this week!

I know the growth has been slow and steady, but I feel like between weeks 18 and 19 my waistline has doubled! The bump is definitely not a figment of my imagination anymore. I no longer look like I've been gobbling down creme-filled doughnuts all week long. I was joking with Aaron this week that sometimes I feel like I need a shirt that says, "I'm pregnant, stop looking at me!"

How I'm Changing?
Besides the obvious growing stomach, I'm just feeling a little fuller in general. More and more I can't stand to have anything tight around my waist, particularly when I'm sitting down. The good news is that I got a pair of super cute maternity capris from Target a few weekends ago. I love feeling like a skinny girl again in those jeans instead of the awful 'slip-a-hair-tie-through-the-loop-of-your-jeans-and-connect-it-to-the-button' trick. What a simple and easy way to make a girl feel chunky. I guess regular jeans aren't much of an option anymore. My hips have definitely spread and I think my chest is still growing. It might finally be time to consider getting some new bras. I'm starting to get those unflattering bra-is-too-tight lines under my shirts. Not good.

How I'm Feeling?
It's funny how quickly my standards for feeling well have adjusted. I keep telling everyone that "I feel so much better!"--which is true, but relative to my un-pregnant self I still feel pretty different. I still wake up and go to sleep feeling nauseous as ever, but over the course of these five long months I've learned to manage and get used to it. I kicked off the first morning to my second trimester with another vomit episode but unfortunately it hadn't been the last. I think this mango-girl just wanted to remind me who was in charge. Most of the time I am feeling really good. It's nothing like it used to be, and I've almost forgotten how horrific the first trimester was.
I have a little more energy and motivation than I did last week. Hopefully this will allow me to feel much more productive. I still find myself out of breath VERY quickly and have to stop and rest more often. AMC always gets a kick out of this after I run up the stairs.
On the eating front, I get really full much more quickly than I used to. My pre-pregnant self could shovel food by the plate full, and now I find myself taking tiny portions that I would have laughed at before. I don't seem to have the room in my belly that I did before, which leaves me hungry again 45 minutes after dinner. And I suddenly get very nauseous very quickly if I don't snack throughout the day. The other exciting news is that I am back to yoga again! AMC came home with a prenatal DVD that I had been wanting but felt inadequate to attempt because of my ever-exhausted body. Yoga is and always has been a beautiful cleansing for me. Physically and emotionally.

Here are a few more random pregnancy thoughts for the week:
Things I can't wait to eat again: Blue and feta cheese and Diet Dr. Pepper
# of times I get up to use the ladies room each night: Usually 3-4
Total weight gained: 8 pounds
# of outfits bought this week for Savannah: 12
Favorite pregnancy fast food: Arby's Roast Beef sandwhich

And with that, I am off to get on my mantra with yoga!

Yours truly, Me

Barbie Dolls or Action Figures?!

Surprise ultrasound today! We found out...

I made this little outfit to tell our immediate family over skype.

Our first glimpse of our baby girl!

(If you click on the movie title it will take you to youtube and you can expand it)

Yours truly, Me

Our Journey to a Family of 3

Well, hello again. Is it okay if I simply skip past the obvious topic of my lack in blogging?? 

We told our families and friends and co-workers the fabulous news almost as soon as we discovered it ourselves. It was almost unbearable for us to hide our smirks when we were around amc's parents before we broke the news that we were finally pregnant! We thought it was so cute to have our little baby secret... For like a day! We knew from day one that we could never take this gift of pregnancy for granted. And with most of our friends and family already knowing 'our story', there was only room for hugs, laughter and tears.  

    (This is how we shared the news with our families!)

Our Story. (Warning: female talk ahead.) I was always incredibly embarrassed about all things female. Periods. Pelvic exams. Pap smears. Pregnancy and labor. You name it. And I wish I was mature enough to say that I've outgrown it all. When I was itty-bitty, I remember being envious of my middle school girlfriends who had already started their menstrual cycles. Of course, I was asked for Midol pills and tampons during class which you could imagine would have cured me of any jealousy. But I had developed this deep fear that if I wasn't having a period then I wouldn't be able to become a mother. And the thought just crushed me. One of my least charming qualities is that I tend to be a major control freak. I was determined to get my body 'normalized' so I had my mother take me to the doctor. I was prescribed a drug to induce a period to see if it was even possible to have one. And, it worked. I went nearly every few years to the obGYN to have my exams. Most of my exams were normal with an occasional fluke, abnormal exam. Along with these visits, my body developed this weird defense mechanism to go unconscious while being on the table. Shall we just call my body special? Sadly, no periods came.

Fast forward to life as an adult.  Amc and I got married in August of 2008. A few short months before, when I was 20 year old, my period came. All by itself! I literally cried tears of joy. No freaking way. In the past, I had used birth control off and on for years. But I hadn't used them for a few years by then. In your face artificial hormones!
Normalcy set in and I thought my worries were over because my body was naturally producing a cycle. We were enjoying our newlywed life at BYU together. We would humor zero conversations regarding babies. I was determined to do well at BYU, setting myself up for an acceptance into Dental Hygiene School. And we just loved being together.. alone. A few semesters later, I received my acceptance letter into a Dental Hygiene program. Woop woop! Up until then, so many prayers and efforts had gone into this dream. I couldn't have been more satisfied.
Nearly 6 months later, and only 3 months before the program began, I started to notice some awful feelings that were developing. Feelings of guilt. Feelings that MAYBE this wasn't Heavenly Father's plan for me anymore. Ladies...it was just awful. This was such a hard dilemma for me to explore because this 10 year old dream had felt so right during the entire journey of going to BYU and applying for the HYG program. Why would Heavenly Father cause me to feel such intense feelings of doubt and unease. So, how did I respond? I'm embarrassed to admit that I fought it really hard. No way could I give up all of my hard work. But with time, my heart yearned to feel 'good'  and at peace again. I hated feeling, as I would try to explain to amc, 'selfish'. I found myself constantly on my knees, begging to feel excited about my acceptance and planned future. It had always felt right... so why not now? I came to realize that not once during my prayers, had I ever seriously been willing to change my own plans. And here I was, claiming to be doing all that I could. So, with time and a lot of humbling, the willingness came to give up my dream of hygiene school. A short while later, during a conversation with my mom (hi mom, remember all of those talks? :) I felt the flood of peace and happiness that I had been waiting for. All of this came while imagining the choice to skip the hygiene route. Side note: Good thing amc is out playing volleyball because I look completely ridiculous sobbing my eyes out. Anyways...What was my Plan B? No idea. And that had to be okay. Once again, I knew I was on the right path.

Eight months came and went and I started to have this sweet, yet nagging, concerns about the birth control I was on. I knew that it could take a long time for my body to come off birth control and I felt that the day had come to finish off my last dose. In hopes that Aaron would be on the same page as me, I genuinely told him that I was really ready. We did have this fabulous cruise vacation pending in 5-6 months from then and the thought of having to cancel that boat ride was tugging on his heart strings. But a woman's intuition is simply a beautiful thing. And very persuasive . Thank goodness it was.

Months came and went with no period. I still bought nearly 10 pregnancy tests and used all of them by month 6.

(These were the winners, but that will come later on in the story ;-)

I was convinced that I must still be ovulating although my periods were absent. We decided for this to be the topic of our fast for the following month. When Sunday came, so did my period. At this point, I felt a dramatic relief from all anxiety that had built up from simply all of the unknowns. Finally, my body's cycle was working naturally. And then month 8 came without a period. I had to ignore the tendency to feel as though I was back at square one. I had been using ovulation kits but I learned that they wouldn't work in my case because I had lab work come back from my Dr. that showed my LH and FSH hormone levels to be completely off. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I had blood work to confirm this earlier on when I was 14. Oh, and I have low blood sugar which excluded me from being a candidate to get a prescription for the drug that would regulate my hormones. Oh, and I also had super low progesterone levels, too, which will kind-a-sort-of get in the way of making a baby. I attempted the daunting task of taking my temperature to check for my ovulation but I don't think I could ever get an accurate reading. This pattern continued well through the year 1 mark. Our next option up for grabs was to do 6 rounds of Clomid that I was excited to begin.
Over the course of that year, I had been completely off my birth control, doing what married people do, and still no pregnancy. We rung in 2011 excited for a new year, but I was also feeling completely uncertain about our future as parents.  On top of my personal embarrassment about (what I felt was) my failing body, I felt a strong sense of guilt that I might not be able to give amc the babies that he so deserved because I knew what a rockin' father he would be.  Of course he told me that was absurd and he loved me regardless, but my own emotional baggage was heavily weighing me down.
Every month, I told myself I would give it one more month.  Every month I bought a pregnancy test, and every month it was negative. Blood work confirmed that I wasn't ovulating and my progesterone(pg) levels were still low. On round 2, I started a prescription for a ton of of pg and welcomed on the awful hot flashes. Can I just say that getting older and reaching menopause is not for sissy's! I continued the pg even after I completed the the unsuccessful cycles of Clomid. I knew our next option were hormone injections and rounds of IUI. But through so many prayers and meditation I never could feel that that was an option for us. I've had many friends with PCOS have great success with In-vitro. It costs a ton of $$ and the results cannot be guaranteed. But nothing in me cared about the costs, I just wanted to know our next step. The answer came. Patience. That's it. No medical procedures, nothing! A small part of me felt discouraged with this answer. Remember my least charming quality of being a control freak? Yeah, this shaped that up really quickly! Each month came and went and the peace came to even greater degrees with time. I just knew that if pregnancy was in my future, it would come at the most perfect time. 
This April's General Conference was a huge turning point in our plans. In between sessions we found ourselves drawn to a show that involved various families who had adopted children. Up until then, this hadn't been an option that we ever felt encouraged to talk about. We went for a long walk afterwards and shared our deep impressions that we had. It was it. We hoped we would have children of our own one day, but at that point in our journey we finally felt good, strong, and indisputable confirmations that adoption was our next step. I'll be honest, it wasn't the most easy decision. We had to address and come to terms with any issues...fears... and other questions associated with becoming emotionally ready for this. Time and time again, we felt peaceful and exciting feelings that this was good. We received an application in the mail to begin the adoption process.

One week later, we found out we were pregnant.

Through all of this, amc was so good to me. He listened. He empathized. He couldn't feel the pain I was having, but he insisted through his tender patience that he loved me and was right by my side. Above all, we were learning that whatever issue or challenge we would face in our relationship, it was never just mine or his problem. It was our problem, that we would face together.

(Here is the first photo of our 5w4d baby! So tiny!)

There is obviously more to our story, but for the interest of space and your attention span I will just have to share later! I thought for now that I would just tell y'all our long journey towards getting pregnant.
Part of the reason I was so excited to spread the news so early is that for me, just knowing that I could GET pregnant was a huge blessing I wasn’t sure I would ever experience.  So as I said before, for better or for worse, this little bell pepper-sized baby is a gift that we will never take for granted.

Yours truly, Me

Our First Home!!!

Folks, it's official. 

Ummmm...... I am excited. I mean..really, really, really, really super excited! We feel so lucky. In more ways than I can list off. But heck, who am I to hold back. 

So, here's our quick story! AMC and I had this whole 'Crossley House Buying Game Plan' pretty much figured out: save enough money and buy a steal-of-a-deal home. (And when I say steal, we really were thinking a $50k foreclosed diamond in the rough, of course. A beautifully, well-taken care of model home that previous owners simply couldn't afford anymore for some reason or another.) 

And pay for it in full. Up front. No biggie.

Right??? "What a sweet game plan" is probably what you must, huh?!

Reality check. The real estate market isn't quite that bad. We can occasionally be dreamers and completely unrealistic with our goals when left to ourselves.

As we searched realtor.com (A few times each day because we were that excited and knew at any moment we could happen upon the one) we were beginning to realize the reality check with the unfortunately semi-stable market.

Okay, not a problem. A couple $10k more into the budget and we would still find a beautiful home to love, expand our family in, and where we could live happily ever after.

Home Buyer 101: EVERYTHING IS TOTALLY TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

It's true.  Well, I take that back. Only to the cheap people with slightly unrealistic dreams. Pictures will be deceiving, sellers will lie through their teeth, real estate agents will be selfishly mean, foreclosed homes will be completely trashed, neighborhoods will be trashy.  It was tough. A few hugs from my mom calmed my discouraged heart. It had been months and we just hadn't found the right home yet. I was questioning how I would know that I had found the right home? I liked a lot of houses. And all of them were in okay neighborhoods. Despite the way I'm sounding picky...I really wasn't. I didn't have high expectations. I just wanted to find a spark. I wanted to feel excited--not simply okay.  I knew I could find it...if it was the perfect home for us. We prayed and prayed to have the Lord guide our decisions about the houses we would search. And, it happened. We walked into the home and both of our eyes lit up! It was beautiful, it was open and spacious, it was updated, it had the perfect size backyard, it had a gameroom that I thought wouldn't be possible within our budget. It's perfect! For us. We felt strong "YES's" and strong "NO's" towards every home that we looked at during that last trip. Gosh, I feel really loved by Heavenly Father for making this last house hunting trip so easy for us. He didn't have to. I'm sure other homes we looked at could have worked out just fine. But, He knew what we needed help to take the next step in choosing a home. Each time I thought about how I felt, and that those feelings didn't come from me caused my heart to ache and tears  to fill my eyes. An ache that was accompanied with the reality that He is there. He does want my heart/faith to strengthen in Him. I think that He must really love to know that I really need Him.

Say hello to the newest addition to our family.

Who would've thought that signing a contract binding me to a ridiculous amount of money towards a home, could make me loose so much sleep. In the good sort of way. 

Why I feel the need to stalk HGTV.com instead of sleep is beyond me.
And to search a 5 mile radius for cute shops, Targets, and Sonic drive-in's. It's all true. 

Maybe, hopefully, once we move in and begin making the house our home I can finally join AMC at night: knocked out enjoying his restful dreams for nearly 4-5 hours before I could even think about finding my yoga breath to let me sleep.
For now, I am too excited that I just don't mind.

Yours truly, Me 

Hawaii, Part 3 (the last one...I promise!)

Well hello Mr. Kamehameha Bus Stop. We hung out by your side while we waited to hop on The Bus to tour your beloved island's terrain. Aaron and I still miss your bus driver's hesitating glances as we loaded on bag after bag just below the sign that reads, "No suitcases allowed on The Bus". Yes, it's true, you remind us that we saved nearly $450 by avoiding car rentals and insanely expensive parking fees.

But you are so not worth it.

My favorite beach stop!!! Waimea Beach. AMC is sporting his thuggish swag near the sign that had printed, "DANGEROUS SHOREBREAK!"

AKA: "Come...and play in the most fabulous waves crashing near the shoreline!"

Waimea Beach is famous for the thrill seakers who jump the cliffs/rocks into the ocean. Oh snap! There goes my boy!

Oh, how I wish his lack of anxiety was more contagious... What a champ!

Tree 90x, anyone? He just doesn't stop, does he?

HAHA. So, I initially took the photo that you see below...being partially oblivous to what effect he was going for. AMC: "Janene, you didn't get the ground in the photo, right?" Don't hate.

I lived in small house right across from Hukilau's beach. This made the Hukilau Cafe a 20 second walk from home. I was always jamming to my man Jack Johnson's songs. Was 'Banana Pancakes' not the best song ever? He was talking about Hukilau Cafe's famous banana pancakes! I was so bummed that the Cafe was closed when we had plans to go for breakfast. Next time...

For those of ya'll who are LOST fanatics: This spot is from the scene when Sun gets married to Jin. This was sentimental. We had the best few months watching LOST on Hulu. My heart aches right now as I realize how much I miss Jack and Kate and Sawyer,etc...

Shaved Ice! Matsumoto has the most yummiest on the island. It's a fun place that has the walls plastered with photos of celebrities sipping on their delicious shaved ice. We could not stop thinking of how it was the best we've ever had until we got the last slurp of the ice-cream/shaved ice mix. Pina Colada and Strawberry mixed stole my heart.

Halieva has a fun street to cruise for yummy foods and neat tourist shops. I just love the North Shore

Stand Up Paddling! This was the actvity that I was most excited to do! He's not naked, I promise.

I may have fallen a time or 2..or 3...or 4. Who's counting anyways?

Warrior One pose. I felt so rad and so coordinated.... Just up until I lost my balance the second after he snapped the photo.

Yours truly, Me

Hawaii, Part 2

The King of surfing. 

Okay my chocolate loverlies. If you love caramel or chocolate or macadamia nuts then you may understand my slight addiction to my most favorite Hawaiian treat. I am sure I brought up their amazing existance to AMC on a billion occasions. Muai Caramacs. Now that I think of it, we only purchased 14 or 15 boxes. Yikes. I take that 'slight' comment back. 

These trees were unreal! The trunks were massive. Then, from each of the large branches, there were even more branches that vertically grew back into the earth. Phenomenal.

My little Tarzan... I had so much fun watching him run up the tree like a wild jungle man. I find myself smiling as I realize how much fun we have together. 

Clearly, I'm Jane. Uncertain and clumsy. 

We walked down the Waikiki beach and it felt so good listening to the reggae music blaring from various restaurants while watching hula dancers dance away during our first sunset in Hawaii. 

Pearl Harbor. 

My heart leaped when I saw the map of the islands on the cement floor.  My great-grandfather, Forest Packard, was captured on Wake Island. He served as a POW for 5 years during WWII in Japanese camps. I loved that I've been able to read so many compilations of records and journal entries from him and those that knew him while in the prison camps. I know that his posterity has been blessed because of his faith and testimony of his Savior. I really can't wait to meet him. And I'm so grateful to know that I can. I have so much to learn.

Love him.

U.S.S Arizona

Awesome machine gun.

Boo. Japanese suicide bomber torpedo. Almost all attempts were unsuccessful. Not Boo.

Swap Meet! I saw it. Loved it. I'm pretty sure I squealed loud enough to embarrass myself in front of the dealer. Aaron made me buy it. 

Hanauma Bay. Beautiful snorkeling! We bought some snorkel gear before we left for Hawaii to maximize our snorkeling time. Total waste. I only used my pair once. And if it were up to me, I wouldn't have used it at all. I am the worst cold-water pansy ever. I have little patience for it. But I did humor AMC and we (of course!) had so much fun snorkeling and snapping pictures of each other and the tropical fish with our underwater camera. (I'll add the pictures whenever I get around to developing them.)

I fell in LOVE with my Hawaii shirt : )

Mahalo!

Yours truly, Me

Hawaii, Part I

Timeshare presentations? I am a believer.

Okay, we weren't actually dragged into the presentation because they were 2 hours late for our appointment. And after watching 2 hours worth of America's Funniest Home Videos in the waiting room, we simply didn't have time for the lecture. SO, off we went, straight to the gift department. At that point, we just stole two vacations.

Along with a few complimentary nights in Galveston, AMC and I scored a five day/ four night hotel stay in Hawaii. But airfare, obviously a ridiculously huge expense, wasn't included. But I'm thinking, "Have a little faith!" With airline miles, Groupon gift certificates, and months and months of searching (and praying!) for other killer deals, we went on our dream vacation! Well, I say our... but I really mean my dream vacation! AMC would love to go to Italy and tour the beautiful areas of Europe. We even started learning Italian together. Ooh-la-la! That trip is now on the top of my vacation list! Is it crazy that I'm probably going to try and make that trip happen? Even maybe sometime soon? 

I'll take a vacation over any gift. Any day.

A destination in Hawaii that had my heart most excited was the Polynesian Cultural Center....a place where I had worked for five months. When I lived in Laie in 2006, I was a waitress for the afternoon BBQ's and the evening Luau's. I really loved it there. I was working with happy tourists on vacations.  ALOHA!            

AMC was laughing at himself hysterically while dancing to the men's Tahitian 'knee clap'. I do love that he is such a good sport and feels comfortable enough to look so silly and score a few laughs from me. I really love him...

This Samoan performer had me rollin' with giggles. (He was my favorite when I worked there.) He was so funny. He would stare at Aaron with intense eyes as he would crack another joke about his life, culture, and manhood.

He produced fire in about 15 seconds. Speaking of manhood...

Quirky little statues convinced us that we were in another world.

"Tree90X"

Fabulous island show complete with performers dancing on the river. How cool is that? Each Polynesian group shook their hips to their island's unique form of dance.

Tonga. I love the kicks they do with their heads throughout their dance. It made the experience incredibly authentic.

Tahiti (My favorite! Their hips don't lie.)

New Zealand (Yup. This rad dude's glare was directed at Aaron. I'm noticing a trend here.)

Samoa (Beautiful colors and spirit in their dances.)

Hardcore Figi

We then hopped to a 30 minute open-window tram tour to visit BYU-Hawaii and the LDS Temple.

Of all of the temples I have seen, to me, the Laie temple has the most beautiful and breath-taking grounds. I love the sprinkling fountains of water, palm trees, Plumeria flowers, and the pure white temple. The Spirit near the temples is warm and calming. Oh how lovely it is.

With hungry little tummy's, we made our way back to the PCC for a much needed Polynesian buffet and Luau. The poi potato was a favorite dish of mine. The poi rolls are even yummier!

Any guesses for the smokin' main entree?

Wait for it...

Kailua Pork. Props to whoever saw this pig-like-beast and knew that it would be ever-so-tasty. I tried not to think of the preparation process in too much detail.

PCC Night Show. AMC and I were grinning with astonishment! It's beautiful in every way. Look at how in sync their dancing is! Their smiles and happiness is contagious. I love the polynesian people.

(Note-Our short videos didn't come out as well. I pulled the following clip from youtube.)

Yours truly, Me